Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Tired Trite Thoughts.

Okay. So we got the place. And although I am sure the stuff around me can no longer be compressed back into that mere 20 kilograms I hauled with me here across that pivotal trip across the Indian Ocean, but everything I own here should still fit comfortably into the back seat and boot of the Good Little Car.

Strange enough that C is blogging about envying my being able to move in 2 hours. Here I am thinking that it would be nice to be surrounded by stuff that makes a living space a home. Like
H. said to me after he moved into his new HDB flat: It is not really a home until you can sprawl your stuff all over the place. Even when I was staying with parents and siblings in that tiny living space on a tiny island, I have never really felt home. Probably partly because of my personal lifestyle choice of travelling light, and perhaps in response to the fact that all my childhood places no longer exist. How can a person feel rooted when even the ground beneath his feet shift from day to day, and he is told that the land he is bonded to is but a transit hotel?

The cheery real estate agent hurried us through the lease paperwork. I think not so much because she was worried that we would back out of the deal, but more that she wanted to get out of there before 5pm. It is with a sense of irony that I note that for someone who has religiously avoided responsibilities, obligations and entanglements back there - should in a short period of around 90 days end up
owning a car and legally binding himself to (shared) financial upkeep of a residence for a minimum of 12 months. This is from a person who is not even comfortable signing up a long-term (price-discounted) Internet plan, or even a mobile phone plan (for the free phone handset).

Moving that 3896 air-kilometres across the Indian Ocean has done some strange things to me, indeed. And in such a short time to boot. Looking back the
reasons to stay that I complied back then, the perspective on them is now so different that I do not know where to start. So much on the surface has changed. And I wonder how much in the core has been permanently altered as well.

I miss my family and siblings a lot less than I thought I would be. I miss my friends and peers a lot less than I thought I would be. Perhaps it is the rapid changes I am facing that leave me gasping to catch my breath, let alone the luxury of time to sit around on my ass to feel all pensive and melancholy.

I now find myself
chasing sunsets every opportunity I get, and taking long drives to nowhere in the deep of the night. The brain may be sleep deprived, the body may be running on the lean side, but the soul is being well-fed indeed.

There is not so much
thinking and indecision nowadays, and just a lot of just doing. There will come a time (probably soon) when I need to stop and take a checkpoint and evaluate.. but this is not the time to be hesitating and second-guessing myself.

I am still working two jobs (now in my third week) and making less than half the money I would be making in Singapore. I am not sure I can continue working two jobs. I do not know how people can work two jobs for years and years and years. Struggling to find enough time left over to make sure I try to eat a balanced diet, try to get enough sleep and try to make sure I at least appear presentable to the world at large. Key word here being "try". Constantly feeling between tired and very tired. And when I am not tired, there is so much to do that I get tired even thinking about it.

There is nothing material left back there that I desperately want. It would be nice indeed to have with me that
two boxes of trinkets that would help frame who I was in the past - but only for sentimental reasons. Should the physical trinkets from my past be lost irrevocably to me forever, it would hurt for a while - but I would definitely heal.

And I miss D. so badly. She has been pillar of strength for me - even though she may not be physically here. Not having D. here has been the single biggest downside to Western Australia so far.


Blogger Calamity Man said...

you gotta hang on buddy. hang on to that faith. keep going, dont stop.

October 06, 2005 1:02 AM  
Anonymous mel said...

even your tired trite thoughts are hardly filled with regrets, so i think that you've made a brave and very right choice in moving to australia. Hope D comes over ASAP to join you in this new journey.

October 06, 2005 7:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

looks like you made a wrong choice mate? what's yr problem of getting a IT job? is it you or the market?

October 07, 2005 8:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like you have "settled" somewhat but "settling" is an ongoing process, more like a journey. Just stay focused and be continually open to new opportunities and open doors. you have accomplised much these few months. Congratulate yourself and keep going. You will be ok.- erahnan

October 07, 2005 11:04 PM  
Blogger C said...

Wait till you're surrounded by warmy, fuzzy homey stuff and have to move it *sigh* it's the whole grass, greener, fence, side deal i say

October 08, 2005 10:06 AM  
Blogger the virgin undergrad said...

i'm reading The Alchemist right now which is a pretty inspiring allegory about a spanish shepard who is seeking his personal legend by wanting to get to the hidden treasure at great pyramids in egypt. on the way there, he gets conned, lost all his money, but ended up with a fairly decent job selling crystals and earns back more money than what he had initially.

he was very tempted to use the money which to buy back his flock of sheep, and return to Spain, putting his dreams of the pyramid behind his mind, but the shepard boy chose to listen to his inner voice and ventured away from his comfort zone and continued with his journey to the pyramid.

what i'm tring to say is that, regardless of how tempted u may be to settle for the status quo, or even pack up, u gotta just hang on and follow that unyielding inner voice in you. forget about what your detractors may say. keep the faith and you will definitely succeed!!

as the book says, with a strong will and determination, 'when you want something, all the universe conspire to help you achieve it'

October 12, 2005 6:20 PM  

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