Sunday, July 03, 2005

SG Sitrep 11.

T minus 3.
Still holding it together..


***


I have two compact boxes packed and sealed under the computer desk ready for shipping. One holds all my childhood treasures weighing a total of 15 kilograms. The other holds old newspaper clippings and old files and obsolete documents that record who I was, and that box weighs 20 kilograms. Added to the 20 kilograms of day-to-day necessities that I will bring on the flight, looks like the grand total still comes in way under my body weight. Everything else is optional.

The desktop computer has been reformatted and reinstalled with a fresh OS. Taken apart and sitting in storage. All the digital data I view as important is distilled and concentrated into a tiny palm-sized silver box with two USB connectors. Or sitting on multiple Internet servers across the world.

The administrative issues for the finances have also been addressed. I will get to stay solvent in Singapore for a few months. I get no more than a couple thousand dollars to jumpstart the transition. I hope that is enough. If it is not sufficient, I better learn to have to make do real quick.

I have still yet to pack the 20 kilograms for the flight, which I suspect will comprise mainly of whatever warm clothing I have, the medical kit packed by D. and probably couple of souvenirs and trinkets.

Amazing how little material stuff an entire three decades plus of life can be distilled into..


***


Emotionally I am mildly surprised I have not freaked out yet. Things are feeling downright surreal here. The predominant feeling is exhaustion. Just below the surface is a simmering cauldron of fear tinged with panic. And sprinkled over everything is this brooding sense of loss. Am doing all that I can to avoid backing out of this haphazard plan to move to Perth. Or looking for a convincing excuse - any excuse - to postpone the trip. Like, are you insane to be moving in the middle of winter?

My parents have neither been supportive nor derogatory about the move. The expressed version is that I should do what I think is best for me. Perhaps it is my paranoia but why do I get the feeling that they are just indulging what they think is a stupid wild-goose chase and expecting me to fall flat on my face and return when I am worn out defeated? And I am not even talking to my siblings who prefer to act if they were ignorant of my plan to relocate. Or perhaps my history of frequent last-minute business trips of unspecified durations have desensitised them to sudden absences. Whatever. Well, if I have deep seated psychological issues with my family, this is a very bad time for them to be surfacing..

Had dinner and drinks with a bunch of close friends on Friday night. Like any other Friday night. Have dinner. Watch some senseless television show or a DVD movie. Drink wine and / or liquor and tease each other mercilessly. The normal usual stuff. Thoughout the entire evening and early hours of the morning, the little voice in the back of my head just would not go away. The little voice that said, you will not have the chance to be doing this again for a very long time..

D. has been taking this as best as can be expected. Being very pragmatic people, we talked about modes of keeping in touch, joked about infidelity, discussed practical plans and timelines.. and sniffled back our tears, tottering on the razor edge of bawling our hearts out as we held each other. I have not even left Singapore, but I am already missing the woman.


With this whirlpool of emotions, this move has better be worth it. At such a high cost it has to work out in the end. My emotions are feeling really raw now. I have to make the situation work out not because I know I can, but because I have no choice but to have to make things work.

7 Comments:

Anonymous Martin said...

Hi Kop,

I'm into 3rd week living alone in Spore without the family in Macau. I've felt pang of loneliness sometimes, heartache as well. Crying sometimes, thinking whose "fault" is it. Off course, I'm able to catch up with friends here and there.

I think dealing with separation, loneliness should be one of the most important issue to face. Because the mind is "cunning", not strong. Always wanting that layer of false security.

Godspeed!

July 04, 2005 11:51 AM  
Anonymous smazh said...

Hi,

I've been a silent reader here for er... quite a long time.

I'm studying overseas right now and although the situations are very different, I can empathise somewhat.

Personally, the first few weeks/months for me were OK because of the excitement of being somewhere new, but yes, the loneliness did hit eventually. And you couldn't anticipate when the feeling would strike.

Keep your head up. I believe a lot of people are rooting for you.

July 04, 2005 12:29 PM  
Blogger ivan said...

gd luck dude...

July 04, 2005 1:09 PM  
Anonymous Kelvin Tan said...

Nowadays, to me, the most lonely times about overseas relocation is the time "waiting for your internet connection to be up" =).

Once it is up and running, the emails, the icqs, the webcams etc etc will really make you feel so much at home.

Plus, there are many Asians everywhere, especially a place like Perth. U may not eat fresh roti prata with them like in Singapore but you can eat at "Chinese Buffet" or "Pizza buffet" and still chat very well with these Asians.

U win some, you lose some, so no worries!

July 04, 2005 2:35 PM  
Anonymous jt said...

KOP, don't worry! You will be ok.
What is change without any change huh?
If everything is predictable, life is no life at all huh?!
So keep your head up & SMILE!!

July 04, 2005 3:52 PM  
Blogger sway said...

every time I move, it amazes me at how little my life distills to. How much really is dispensible, throwable.

July 04, 2005 10:11 PM  
Blogger Killjoy said...

Yeah..once you get your BB connection up you won't feel lonely anymore. the world gets very small once you are connected.

I had an easier time when i was in Australia Studying for 3 yrs. Not once did I go back home. (Yes I did not like Sg very much ;) ).

Good Luck. Keep us updated mate.

July 05, 2005 9:19 AM  

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