Thursday, April 21, 2005

Hour of the Wolf.

I have written down a bit of the converations that have been going on in my head over the last week and longer.

The Hour of the Wolf. That is what the Russians call the hours between 3am and 4am. According the legend, it is at this time between night and dawn when our terrors and doubts ("the wolf") are at their strongest. The time of night when we are at our weakest against our deepest fears.


The job hunt is not going well. Resume sending has stalled again. I still have last Saturday's classifieds sitting in front of me. I know I should keeping putting out for leads, but it is downright demoralising when the only stuff coming back only offers underpaid under-employment. Especially when I see other unemployed people around me land good jobs matched to their skill sets. Are my skill sets not longer worth a good price?

But.

To be brutally honest with myself, I must admit that my heart is no longer in it. The little voice in my head is saying "what is the point anyway?". Just going to be facing ever declining wages for longer hours once past your prime economic shelf life in another few years anyway. The alternative being to get locked-in to an employer for the illusion of job stability while your soul dies little by little slowly day by day.

But.

Part of me just wants to throw up your hands in hopelessness, pack a couple of bags and buy a one-way ticket on the next flight to Australia.

But.

Another part of me is chiding me for giving up and running away, and reminds me that I may change the environment but all the problems are still within me.

But.

At least the weather is better and you get a shot at escaping the neverending materialistic ratrace that defines lives of Singapore serfs. And squirm free a little of this paternalistic government that always knows what is best for us anonymous serfs.

But.

I will freeze my butt off jumping into even a mild winter at 10 degreesC from a tropical island of 32 degreesC living without airconditioning. And trying to trade one master for another is not going to resolve the feelings of being trapped in a pre-defined life.

But.

Stop giving excuses. At least you get a chance to try. Would you rather die with your epitaph reading "He never took the chance to try"? To know that you never grow beyond what your immediate world allows you to.

But.

I would be leaving all that is known to step into a totally unknown situation where I will have to start from scratch all over again. I do not know if I can do that. No family support, no recognised academic qualifications, no local work experience, no social support group, no backup.

But.

You have done a lot more scary (and some really insanely stupid) things just on a whim previously. And this would be one hell of an adventure anyway.

But.

Yeah, one hell of an adventure. Probably straight into the jaws of hell. If I have having problems building a contented life here with familar tools and in an environment that I am familar with, what makes me think I can improve things in a strange unknown environment by starting all over again? A life etching out barely a living at minimum wage in a foreign land? Better the devil you know than the devil you do not know.

But.

Please. You know yourself better than that. You tell everybody and even yourself that you hate change. But you know you have the capacity to adapt to great changes. Did that before, can do that again.

But.

I cannot just up and leave. I have things I have responsibility for here.

But.

Like what? You spent your life so far living like you had to evacuate on short notice. The adminstrative stuff is trivial.

But.

I will have to leave D. here. I do not want to lose her.

But.

You know you will not lose her. Separated for a while maybe, but you have talked to her about it and she is being a lot more sensible than you about facing the options.

But.

I am not leaving D. I do not want to risk losing her. And I will be miserable being away from her.

But.

She can visit. And one of you will have to move first anyway to try to setup a base and ease a transition, rather than do the move in one singular dramatic change which might put even more stresses on the relationship.

But.

I do not know how long I will be away from her. She has not even put in the DIMIA visa application yet.

But.

Which you - in your obsessive compulsive attention to details of projects deemed important - are going to walk her through and figure out a way to get her a visa once the skills assessment comes back positive.

But.

If the skills assessment comes back positive. There is still time anyway. Do not have to decide now.

But.

You know now is as good a time as any. You do not even have a job to resign from. Is there a better time?

But.

[... and so on and so forth in neverending circles ...]


The heart says go (or stay?). The head says stay (or go?). My gut is undecided and confused. Maybe I should poll my stomach, my liver, my kidneys and all the other body parts?


3 Comments:

Anonymous nilsinelabore said...

I faced a similar problem too when I left for the US for my undergrad studies. I chose to leave than to stay, even though my then-gf was in Sg. (We broke up later - being apart for ~3 years was one main cause of that)

My head takes precedence over my heart. But again, this is just me. Perhaps explains why I am still single.

April 21, 2005 6:25 AM  
Blogger ldsdtsunami said...

My wife and daughter will be moving to Macau mid June. I've yet to get any job confirmation yet..so can't move and don't even know when I can move out.

The initial thought of separation is unbearable. But I know I must have the "black" heart to see this through in order for a chance to find for ourselves it our quest can a success.

The heart will always feel "sour" and maybe heart-wrenching...but by any means neccessary.

If we have the buring desire to seek a change, we must make it happen. Or else, we'll regret for the rest of our living lives.

All the best, KOP!

April 21, 2005 9:56 AM  
Blogger tim said...

I can relate to a lot of your thoughts as my family is considering emigration too.

Sometimes, we should not be overwhelmed by potential problems that we might encounter. Sometimes, it is better to trust that you can overcome obstacles when you face them, because most times, you cannot predict the problems that you will face. Sometimes, it is better to trust in your own ability to face the obstacles in your way.

At least that is what I tell myself when I start doubting the wisdom our choice.

April 21, 2005 2:40 PM  

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